Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
