Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
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