I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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