I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
