when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
