I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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