If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
My liver just had a heart attack.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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