Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
