Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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