Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
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