i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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