I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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