you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
