I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
