And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
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Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
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well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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