Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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