went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
