I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
