so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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