i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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