so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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