I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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