She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
