I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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