Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
