some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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