I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
