She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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