If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
