i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
