I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Rumble strips road head = magical
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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