I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
