I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
