I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
