My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
well you can't waste a boner
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
