he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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