I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
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It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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