Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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