Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
