Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
