i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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