brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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