New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
splinters make it hard to masturbate
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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