Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
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so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
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Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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