I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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