Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
