i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
i black out too much to be "responsible"
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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