I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
