I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
