Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
