I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
