My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
