hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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