i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
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drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
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All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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