i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
It's shark week go big or go home
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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