I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
