There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
