her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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