Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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