WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
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